I have also felt lately that it is stupid to try to make friends. The more you make, the more easy it is to get betrayed later..sure you can hang out with people and have a good time..but all this secret telling and BFF bullshit is highly overrated..at least in my situation..I do have an awesome fiancée, but he and my closest family is all I feel I need. Sure, I am willing to help people, and ask for help and whatever. I have a heart. but I don't want to to trust anyone ever. People change so much. I refuse to even fully trust my fiancée or my family because all we are are a bunch of machines..a couple of pieces of someone's brain get damaged, and they have potential to become a totally different person..like putting a different engine in a car.. I hate living with people. I hate going to school. don't get me wrong, I love to LEARN, but I hate being so stressed over with deadlines for grades, papers, and schedules, and trying to balance that with schedules for work and due dates for bills..Why is life so cruel? Sure it's bittersweet..But sometimes we run out of sugar and have to have some pretty gross lunches and dinners. I don't have enough money and time to learn fast enough to make good grades.
I feel like I am always misunderstood..I also feel like I misunderstand people many a time. I also feel like there have been many times when I completely understood that certain people are always gonna be fake ass pieces of shit that aren't worth my time so why did I waste my time on them in the first place? Some of these people I even get along with..I feel like I am just stuck with them and they are stuck with me for this piece of our lives.
Don't get me wrong, I don't walk around wearing all black and screaming fuck the world. I'm a pretty normal looking and acting person..maybe that's why I feel like I am going to explode..maybe that's why I don't feel the desire to exist..but I'm scaring myself, because the more life beats down on me, the more i understand where all these crazy psycho murderers and stuff are coming from..and people who kill themselves. I don't think I want to die, I just want to live and enjoy life..which I don't have time to do now..I don't feel like its worth it to work so much or school so much..but you have to have money..I just want to live on an island in a treehouse and eat coconuts and fish, and run around butt-naked all the time and enjoy nature. but I dont even know how to get there..and thats my only dream that I feel might could come true..without me going crazy first.. : (